i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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