you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Randomize
