so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
