Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
