dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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