i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
