I think I won the penis lottery.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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