Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize