I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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