she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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