eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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