We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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