And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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