I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
