Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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