So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
