how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
