if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
