So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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