I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
