my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I smell stomach acid.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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