So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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