Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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