Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
