I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
