I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
