Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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