He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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