The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
