a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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