I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
