Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
