dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
my liver is dry heaving
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
