My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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