Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
