That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
