dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
