remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
