new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
