"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
