Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize