i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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