how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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