I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
it glows. i had to have it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
