I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
