Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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