I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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