you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
