you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
