I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
