Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
