3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's shark week go big or go home
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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