I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
