Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
