Whod you bang
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
