I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
