Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
