I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize