u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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