My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
