She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
