i love accidental penises.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
