Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
honey bunches of taint.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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