Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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