don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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