I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
