you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
