my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize