Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
