I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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