Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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